Text Messages from Junkyard Tillie pre-Sept. 2007

Ted Danson arranging tabby cats for the coming Armageddon, then sending this text for no particular reason...just because he can

Christ bellows to the marshmallow kids as Bean Willy throws truffles at Grandpa

Rolling through the Ozarks, Vern suddenly wondered why all the good creamsicles had already been licked

Art Garfunkel is here tonight and Jovan is playing hopscotch with Tommy's little bride-melt

Causing mischief in the briar patch, naughty Bobby devilishly shook his bumbum at a gaggle of passing innocent girls

As Horncrall shed his uneasiness over the scrubbing of Thudd's porcelain priest collection, Yeoling wondered if Avery's mastodon made it home safe

Maybelline fights a wild ostrich in the mudpit to protect Jorge from a spanking, meanwhile Neal tolerates his wheat puffs and meets his adoring fans

As Delvan plants the seed of hope and Jarrell launches the shuttle of liberty, Tobiah comes ashore to find the eagle has already landed

my little puppy, beaten with a baseball bat, assraped with a pitchfork and beheaded with a meat cleaver...all after being a good boy

Senator Grumples, marching for the pride of his banana tree in lieu of training Bev's ducklets to poop in the sink

Glubbins on top of Dutch's bell tower, serenading Bobby's dumptruck while watching 'Random Hearts'

While James wrote a beautiful sonnet for the love of his life, Ghalff shed his skin and mutated into a new lifeform

Dewynn's missing potato sent the congregation into massive coronary shock as the siblings of T-Bone's leprechaun struggled to regain control of things

Ryboh bled onto the shirt of stopped time while Franz Lichtenhurst poured his brains out into Billy Joel's gumball machine

Ted Danson popping his head out of the ground to signal six more weeks of dan-snow, prompting officials to rename Feb. 2 Groundted Day

Master Patty-Melt, playing a jazz ditty for Sarcoma's Dog-Shelf, on loan from the Smithsonian to be paraded around town like Strychnine-on-the-vine

Baby Blood Soup, rubbed in glass shards, poured on Crystal's severed tit, stuffed into Lakeysha's dirty cunt, then fed to Elmo live on Sesame Street

Polejumping wasn't enough to delay the railroad elves from feasting on John Stamos' brain tumor, and another discount on patio chairs wouldn't be either

As Gringo Grandpa whipped the hordes into a frenzy with a frightening fistpump, Pistolero Poppa galvanized the barracks with a thunderous chest-thump

While Dorgolp saw the potential for peace in multilateral world bodies, his brother Blafftrug hacked open the skull of an unbeliever

Creme de la Gilbert, paddywhacked into the inferno of lost bedspread, just as Happy Roy's nuptials were uttered with the veracity of a duck milf

Herr Jooper, scaring the tots of trumpet land, runs leftover cunt scraps through a fetus filter and belches Gorbonzo into Derwin's love tub

Corporate ass rape misery death hell, perpetrated upon innocent joyful souls as evil fucking monsters shit down the throats of decent, nice people

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback flogging Aaron Lewis of Staind to punish Linkin Park for ripping off Limp Bizkit, who copied off Korn, a Deftones clone

Monasset framing his cousin to take the fall for Pugglins' carrot thievery, as Joe-Bottom pretends he's over Matilda by jerking off to Thor's Ice Axe

Ma Flippy saved the pantry door from bad karma by siphoning gas from Dantrowagle's hybrid SUV, as Jerry sniffed Bart's ass for signs of the apocalypse

Toddy Bobblins being proclaimed viceroy of Trinidad and Tobago to ease the spiritual ennui of Kiki's pottery shop

If Darrell were to wax the Juniper leaves, he would find only 2 tables for Barney's love factory

Robby Maplethorpe, festooned in garter belt and silk stockings, prances down the highway of life as passing city boys are captivated by his charm and allure

Uublagonn shattered the dreams of many a preschooler when he cruelly hauled away all the swingsets and other fun stuff from the playground just before recess

Joe the flowerpot fondling the teats of Pat the intercontinental ballistic missile

As Sally and Bobby played hopscotch by the swingset, immortal cyborgs from 2042 eviscerated Mommy's and Daddy's skulls with metallic precision

Osama bin Laden convincing Tony Blair to force Vladimir Putin's secret police into betraying Libya by instigating a North Korean nuclear attack on Haiti

Eragon Thor the mythic viking warrior, suckling on mother's milk after petting his cute little kitty cat

Purgatory Pete being daddyspanked by the Hand of God for delaying the Pope's final journey to the Lord with a quibble over the art design of heaven's gate

Potential butter cream massaged through the nether realm of Dwight's mystery java...as Senor Pricklypants croons a ballad for Art Garfunkel on Valentine's Day

Ego toast, slithering along the pie chart of life, beams a message of hope and rigatoni through the zen garden until zebramen fix the universe's leaky faucet

Negroes might seem like people, but they're really just there to make us feel better about ourselves

Dildo St. Clair, beaming with pride at the birth of his little murder victim, never misses an opportunity to stuff his mother's head in a woodchipper

Bangles McTutu saving a fledgling battlestar from the brink of doom by penetrating Dowrymple's magnetic forcefield with his deathray

Daddy's Super Dance Militia, farming out state secrets to the Chinese in exchange for a lifetime 10% discount at Bed Bath & Beyond

Though taking Christ to the bank for mortgage consultation might seem like blasphemy, its really just sound financial planning

Margarene's lovefuck came in third place, just behind Goebbels' sales figures and well off the pace of Bert's peace treaty

Mr Halfway Load-Bones, dismayed at the killing of his piranha by members of a popular French TV program, set off to find the nigger darlings of his youth

Milt the space boar suturing his own eyeballs to the mentality of Jersey's hometown boy while a grapplehook pierces the flesh of Daron, his unused fetus

As Ulrich's stormtroopers marched through Europe torturing and executing millions of defenseless people, Hans nursed a baby squirrel with a bottle of warm milk

Smug Jerry bobbing for trolls on the back of Oyster Cowboy

Renting a timeshare was a tough task for Ken Smith, similar to solving the immigration issue by skinning his spick gardener before boiling him alive

Nimble mop makes felon hares look silly

Ted Danson believes that the diapers of tomorrow could cover the leaky buttholes of today

David was in love with Todd's sister Ray. He would bang on his drum all day, til Ray came home. They all lived happily ever after in Todd's shaving cream.

Without the benefit of asbestos love and pigeonholed as just another oil refinery, Prescription King merrily floats on to the next diabetic

Benny decided to overnight his granny to the moon with UPS, only to find she had already Fedexed herself to Neptune at a much cheaper rate

Rounding the horn of voodoo splices cotton into family films

Jugglers find escrow useless in the search for Rodney Peete

bitch's fun is biblical, and contains 7 vital nutrients

Scooter equals refreshment minus the caged phenom in central Oregon

Retired heart offers a moral compass in troubled times, and bargain hotel rates

Donald breeds glowing firehogs to purge the skies of melon chasers

Ghost Kitty eternally stuck in a wormhole, yet still freshest if used by 04/2009

Tommy mutilated a colony of 80,000 Nords with a miter saw but couldn't comprehend how Speed Stick for Women kept him dry the entire time

Ted Danson stealing the time machine created to prevent 9/11 so he can go back and see Journey in their prime

I defy! ... "Ohhhhh!!! My soul!!!"

Ted Danson once tried rockpiling a barn wall...instead he just ended up fearing duck soup

Ted Danson explained the inner workings of the cosmos and forever changed the scope of human knowledge. But first he gave Dave Coulier a hardon.

Ted Danson riding his chariot of fire to a nursing home production of "Grease"

Ted Danson velcroing a Dresden air raid to a lunchlady

Ted Danson dyeing the ocean

Ted Danson filming the Big Bang

Ted Danson exhaling mustard gas

Ted Danson wiretapping Politburo phones from Noah's ark

Ted Danson bonging the human genome

Ted Danson planting evidence of bank fraud in the primordial soup

Ted Danson injecting baby formula into the Earth's inner core

Ted Danson dressing up in a little monkey outfit to throw snowballs at a bugle champion

Ted Danson shredding the flesh of a nuclear elf to sprinkle on his oatmeal

Ted Danson vacuuming alien thoughts off the Andes Mountains so his swivel chair wont make that annoying creaking noise anymore

Hudson was shuffle-sacked by the rainy Tuesday that Colombo Joan dared to theorize
Ted Danson drinking a sixpack of Bud Ice in a beanbag chair during midnight mass

Ted Danson converting an illegal alien into Fruity Pebbles to prevent the rebirth of life after nuclear holocaust

Ted Danson plugging his carotid artery into a sunken Navy sub to guide Sherman Hemsley toward the hounds of Hell

Ted Danson freeze-drying both his knees as a hedge against a global downturn in the price of gold

Ted Danson causing a permanent lunar eclipse with the sheer power of his mind because his bedroom blinds can't keep the moonlight from waking him up

Ted Danson impaling reality-show rejects to save the Kingdom of Christendom from a lo-carb diet

Ted Danson tossing 3/4 of the world's population into a 100-mile-wide bonfire because global warming is taking too long

Ted Danson leaving reality through a timerip to exist only in a theoretical computation, so he can get out of the final 2 grand on his home equity loan

Ted Danson playing 19 games of tag with a roaring bald man to maximize frowns

Ted Danson using his 3 wishes from a genie in a bottle to turn himself into a guitar string, cause he really wants to feel Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi pluck him

Ted Danson using guerrilla tactics to weld his lost innocence onto a freezepop

Ted Danson sabotaging a fierce game of wheelchair basketball at the Special Olympics by peeing in the Gatorade cooler, claiming it's new "dark lemon" flavor

Ted Danson breaking the code of silence by mimicking a bad mime

Ted Danson halving global poverty to end nuclear disarmament

Ted Danson granting TV repairmen unequal rights to atone for original sin

Ted Danson quacking like a duck to impress his therapist's black friend

Ted Danson warding off a midlife crisis by having brunch with the Fuhrer

Ted Danson reinvigorating the urban underclass with hope for a brighter future while his doppelganger takes pictures of cripples and amputees pooping

Ted Danson embalming his brain to preserve his childhood memories

Ted Danson convincing Bible Camp counselors that black power is a myth

Ted Danson dunking his summer fling into a patio of meat cause she stopped putting out

Ted Danson, baffled by the lack of genocide at Cici's, raises the buffet price by a quarter to accomodate more corpses

Ted Danson throwing gramps into the sea

Ted Danson confusing a genuine stigmatic with an Orange Julius

Ted Danson unleashing crazed gerbils along George Bush's jogging path

Ted Danson getting a used Elantra, realizing the die is cast

Ted Danson coming out of the closet, literally, after ironing his favorite shirt

Ted Danson using his gyro suit to repel uncle-shaped bluesmen

Ted Danson stroking his ego by climbing a Gary Busey tree

Ted Danson, saddened to learn that he's only two rungs up the evolutionary ladder from the lowly butterfish

Ted Danson suing Romania for its lack of soul reapers

Ted Danson reacquainting cobblers with elk terror

Ted Danson protesting the death penalty because it doesn't cover people who drink Amstel Light

Ted Danson blaming the lack of crunchy oat clusters in his cereal on a Cedar Point Employee Cornerstone

Ted Danson unearthing home movies of Weird Al's first parsley encounter

Ted Danson giving a baby the death penalty for requesting that the doctor who tried to abort it be given leniency

Ted Danson mercilessly tickling a rodeo clown for renewing his subscription to Zucchini Addicts' Weekly

Ted Danson re-ratifying the Constitution in his basement to prove to George Bush he's still a true patriot

Ted Danson unleashed an onslaught of insults at an interstellar deathray, totally ruining its self-esteem...now it burns CDs by the roadside to make ends meet

Ted Danson, inspired by the Anna Nicole baby saga, goes back in time to rape Sally Hemings and fight Thomas Jefferson for custody

Ted Danson brokering a two-state solution, 9 hours after the end of time

Ted Danson auditioning for the role of Pvt. Dick Feest in the upcoming military-themed hardcore anal flick, 'Contort the Poops'

Ted Danson living out the creed of his favorite eagle's poolside barbecue

Ted Danson challenging Baby Borneo to an armwrestle-to-the-death to settle once and for all whether Big Boy or Bob Evans offers the best combo of value & taste

Ted Danson using Bible Belt kids as powerdrills in his unending quest for a world where dreams come true

Ted Danson finally deciding that three pied pipers is more than enough to have on call for one lousy reenactment of The Last Supper

Ted Danson mistaking a bull terrier breeding house for the surgery he half-recalled opting not to have in a previous life

Ted Danson, along with teenagers in a midwest town, discovers he is destined to fight off an alien invasion with the help of a mental patient/comic book artist

Ted Danson bonging a halfgallon of blackout stout and challenging YOU, Jeff Hoyt, to match him to prove youre not what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a 'girlieman'

Ted Danson kidnapping black babies from the arms of gorillas

Tuba cohorts ride in on rescue mice before the dawn of Spud

Planting a mongoose in the grave of dad takes more cheer than Apple Man can summon

Granting reprieve for the Sbarro Kings is moot unless Chimp Squad strikes a bargain

If doorknockers stop bellringers from using the intercom, then buzzers have nothing to do

Polishing orchids in the shape of John Goodman wont take Chap to the heights his motorduck achieved

Rayboy was livid at the sight of his monster waiting for the bus

Ted Danson pooping out a Joey Lawrence clone

Ted Danson lulling you to sleep by softly reading "Splendor in the Bundling"

Ted Danson cleaning up corruption in the Tammany Hall machine, prior to the dawn of man

Ted Danson flying an improbable, yet brave, B-2 Condor mission to retrieve his disco collection from Ben Stiller's attic

Ted Danson's masturbatory fantasy includes people with gills, utility shelves, Peace Corps pamphlets and Bob's mildew

Gary the tubesteak blathers on endlessly while Sherm the roadmap discovers a fresh outlook on life
Ted Danson, in desperate need of a heart transplant, injects car crash victims with alka seltzer so if they die he won't wake up with heartburn after surgery

Ted Danson freezing the assets of a home-based business to prevent zombies from switching to a vegan diet
Ted Danson insisting he be referred to only as "Killer"...apparently to recapture the danger of his youth, or something

Ted Danson refusing to wave a wand, even though he knows it actually has true magical powers, because he thinks it makes him look feminine

Ted Danson giving Jaleel White the benefit of the doubt in his recent burnt popcorn/kiddie porn/ninja impersonation scandal

Ted Danson creating cheesy computer animation for a lame commercial to sell an average household product...then realizing that everyone else already does this

Ted Danson, infuriated that his miniature friend refuses to give his calf muscles miniature massages anymore...at least he still does miniature housework though

Ted Danson pistolwhipping the truth out of an 8 year old paraplegic

Ted Danson dousing the earth in gasoline and tossing it into an intergalactic bonfire

Ted Danson drifting skyward after a grueling bout with Helium Boy

Ted Danson screwing with a 17-year-old assistant manager at Half Price Books by sneaking around the store planting goat/midget porn on all the shelves

Ted Danson unleashing America's entire nuclear arsenal on a deserted island

Ted Danson cementing the lingering ghost of an Iraqi torture victim in a scenic nature preserve

Ted Danson ordering a black bike and a PSP online for his son's birthday, but due to errant keystrokes, receiving a black PCP addict named Mike instead

Ted Danson turning the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield into dry ice through a black magic spell he learned from the King of Houston

Ted Danson waiting for the end of the world. In line at the motor vehicle bureau.

Ted Danson laying on his couch in nothing but a diamond necklace, mimicking the erotic drawing scene from Titanic

Ted Danson crushing an octogenarian's zest for life by pelting him relentlessly with a nerf gun

Ted Danson building a robot to fix his broken spaceship so he can get back to Alpha Centauri for a winner-take-all game of Jenga with the Centaurian leader

Ted Danson belching Alex Trebek's cape into the River of Secrets

Ted Danson stuffing Diane Chambers into the duffel bag of a negro who could never get a table at Cheers cause nobody knew his name

Ted Danson driving himself to clinical insanity and requiring hospitalization, by neverendingly forcing his brain to try to compute 1 divided by 0

Ted Danson bringing back the Steel Breakfast Era

Ted Danson lying to a grand jury about his involvement in the 2002 murder of Mr. Binkles the circus clown

Ted Danson cleaving off his prosthetic arm so he can reattach his real one

Ted Danson casting a murderous gaze at Alex Trebek, forever scarring his psyche

Ted Danson giving rise to the Golden Age of robust kitchen warriors

Ted Danson scouring backalley dumpsters for post-9/11 angst

Ted Danson unleashing pitbulls in gloryhole rooms

Ted Danson going back in time to 1930s Russia to doodle stick figures pooping over top of Stalin propaganda posters

Ted Danson giving Chairman Mao a taste of prenatal wrath

Ted Danson eating 200 eclairs while grabbing an angel's left tit so Sting will bankroll his journey to Terabithia

Ted Danson giving a hot carl to a cyclops

Ted Danson utterly disappointed after going back in time to meet Hippocrates cause he thought he was getting crates full of hippos, not some old Greek dude

Ted Danson accidentally stifling the screams of the Lochness Monster, thinking it was Sally Field

Ted Danson driving a stake through the heart of a 97-year-old Alzheimer's patient, cause that Alzheimer's shit is taking too fuckin long

Ted Danson making balloon animals at a frantic pace so he can enter 'The Cell' with Jennifer Lopez

Ted Danson putting on a beret and giving you 25 sweet primroses from the banks of the Seine River, just before serenading you with Happy Birthday in French

Ted Danson asserting himself as the clearcut favorite in the two-way race for town comptroller between him and an onion

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, Ted Danson hopes you dance

Ted Danson defying his half-uncle's pharmacist by permanently sealing the Earth's capacity for love and brotherhood in a dank stairwell behind an old mop bucket

Ted Danson calling now for his free, no obligation information kit to find out if Bosley Hair Restoration is right for him

Ted Danson filling his time-boat with the half-brother of an Algonquin mortgage consultant so his garden patch can enjoy its rendezvous with Bart's heirloom

Ted Danson organizing a roundtable discussion on how clean Irish Spring makes him feel

Ted Danson hunting Ben Stein through the Cleveland Metroparks with a bow and arrow

Ted Danson takin his honeys out for a night of clubbin in the Popemobile

Ted Danson doing cartwheels through the hospital halls after beating a terminally ill 9-year-old in a charity game of Goldeneye with a well placed proxy mine

Ted Danson finishing off his uncle in a friendly game of gin rummy at the family Christmas get-together with a Mortal Kombat-style spine removal

Ted Danson convening mushroom pals to order in the matter of Frigate Sr. vs. Trumbull County Commissioner's Office

Ted Danson composing an ode to osteoporosis on his fiddle

Ted Danson relentlessly Tivo'ing 'Who's the Boss?' reruns with Puritanical fervor

Ted Danson speed-writing the next Bible verse within the untold realm of Traverse City

Ted Danson cackling with an evil heart at the prospect of yet another Scrabble triumph

Ted Danson joining Fight Club only to immediately forget the 2nd rule of Fight Club. He remembered the 1st rule though.

Ted Danson getting into Harvard posthumously by making his corpse impersonate a dried fig

Ted Danson baiting Tony Danza into running the lights for Bruce Willis' 'Barnyard Boogie 2007 Reunion Tour,' coming soon to a city near you

Ted Danson creaming a water buffalo. On top of the ferris wheel. At the peak of tomato season.

Ted Danson framing a picture of himself waiting in line to get his picture taken

Ted Danson finding his future bride by Googling "Ted Danson + future bride"

Ted Danson, tired of squinting, manually setting the sun with a complex system of levers and pulleys

Ted Danson performing world-class, life-saving heart transplants in exchange for Cedarpointopoly signed by Dan Keller

Ted Danson steering a frigate into Flo's Tuesday night bowling league

Ted Danson spreading hayfever as a ploy to bring down the Goodyear blimp

Ted Danson becoming a vampire in hope of sparking a Genesis reunion

Ted Danson suing the pants off a topless milf, to get her completely naked

Ted Danson rolling down off the top bunk to get his industrial size cottage cheese container out of his fridge, then getting back up and eating the whole thing

Ted Danson pleading with a hooker to honor his Buckeye Card and give him 10% off her regular rate

Ted Danson pondering the gap between mitosis and meiosis, while suspended rather serenely above the Sears Tower in a large, ethereal crystal sphere

Ted Danson dedicating the rest of his life to reading Life magazine, playing Life the board game, and eating Life cereal

Ted Danson dreaming of being a writer one day; specifically, hoping to model his writing style after Joseph Rothschild

Horatio's frenzied tidings, the ultimate in God-ketchup face

Chub Kowalczyk, giving Wanda cheap feels in the back of a Penske rental van

Ted Danson forgoing a piece of ass in favor of a private screening of Air Bud: World Pup

Ted Danson granting a keynote speaker's deathwish while accurately whistling a Bach fugue

Ted Danson buttfucking Judith Light with a strap-on oboe

Ted Danson saving America from the financial ruin sure to come when Baby Boomers become eligible for Social Security in a few years, by fileting a snowman

Ted Danson filming the reunion of Dick Tracy with Saddam Hussein's soul while Brent Lare returns to the casting office at 1 am to look for his shoe