Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, August 31, 2007
Texts sent to Junkyard Tillie pre-2007 Random Origins, Delegate in comments
Marm the marmalade destroyed lady jam's spreadable love
Blazing mountain bears motor across I-480 with indigo eyes and a smooth complexion
Would Belviz remember to lather his Granny's lava? Only of tommy torpedo poos on the barge
Duggins remembers the Holocaust for the baby love bear it truly was, whereas Tarblins forgot to bring his taffy to the Auschwitz jacuzzi and butter bar
Pandel Quambins catpures the love of his life with a harpoon, all in time to subject his goat to the bitter truths of M.A.S.H. at 9/8 eastern time.
Velm's roadside buggy award showed Dave the real joy of a Turkish toilet surprise
Automated system queen... Living on the edge... Of a dream!
Phallic ducks, bent on global phone sex, decide to divvy up profits one gnome at a time
When Patty had finished picking the spring time meadow flowers, Bud force fed battery acid to Grandma Louise
Artichoke Danforth being led as an Executive Sugar Bear into the depths of Calvin's bario.
Gentle ButtCraft creaming his pants within the grasp of Helewangan's laser guided nugget
Barquest, Champion of the Eternal Realm, picking up trash on I 90 under terms of probation.
Steve the horse brought low by Casper's lunch surprise
Dasani utilizing time travel so to rent advertising space on Jesus' crucifixion cross
Elk Wilhelm repositioning Duke's tit-fuck portfolio all while Rejamba boards his battle steed for the war on drugs
Ted Danson feeding the starving youth of Darfur by grinding up healthy, plump American babies to use as a red creamy nutrient drink
Lord Baggletrop scanning Potato Balvin's income statement for proof that Jack Palance is a ragtime negro
Ted Danson mastering Arabic so he can put new letters in his alphabet soup
Large apple chompers are transit outcasts
Tarbine's immortal death grip loosened by Cindy's rotting pussy
Preparing a BLT for Zeus, Nelvebam learns the ancient art of a rim job from Odysseus
Returning to his quaint and nostalgic boyhood home, Bobby fucks the strangled corpse he left by the brook before stopping at Ma's
Helmans Bugo pondering the nature of crispy milk and lunch-time manure friends
Alvin-time MILF pants created all because Zombie Bob cancelled his moon Mamma pie
Pat Sajack fingering Scott Bao all while licking Tony Danzas sweaty sack inside Danny DeVitos house.
Ordering militia filled gyro dumps may seem like a yodeling endeavor but really marketable
Sugar time Baby Boy melting the living bodies of his tenants who pay their rent late
Rivera Tom's mayan toad is second fiddle to power centaur
Bob the algorithm eating a fossilized Dan Rather cookie
Al davis at gringo mart spotting the local toad noodling over christ
Klivin Wamboo's sodomized and bloody asshole used as the thematic element for a lovely and soft melody about a soaring dove
After Dr. Helfenweitz injected his final patient of the day with AIDS under forced sedation, he bought a cute little toy for his baby kitten, Muffin.
Table-Top Tyrone nudging his Gramma buggy on down to the gang bang.
Creaming henny hens invokes evil custard longings for Dropkick simon
Morphing murray tames the soul of an arguable penguin
Byron remembering that he forgot to remind his paper boy to remember to stop forgetting that he was reminded to remind Byron about his bill lest he forgets it.
Matilda the space laser arguing with Albion University's Dean of Admissions about ducks and Arby's horsey sauce.
Avians Harness lactose groves when air willy helps
The byproduct of christian lore is bill bellamy
Before henry, aka the anti christ. Could devour the life force of a midget golfer. He had to give a terrorist a million kisses
Timmy gave birth to a forty pound elf tumor, only to get orphans care bears on ice tickets
Bicentenial Lord fingering his life, and milk.
Ted Danson, Ruler of the Seas, janitor of Texaco.
Belvins litigated his creature's ass, as if plum melting would solve his body up chuck
Sandy's cancer ridden ovaries gave birth to a nation of peace loving albino mormons. Enraged! Milton did not approve
At last, Hal got to fuck his plumber and gargle with anti matter all in a 4 hour time span
Do you defy?!
Ted Danson hammering out his grandma's molars while on a recent mining expedition.
Ted Danson subjecting a bad mime to bouts of unwarranted quietness.
Ted Danson cruising the beach in a tutu, rediscovering his disco past
Ted Danson planning the demise of an elderly community. For questioning whether he likes coke better than pepsi
Ted Danson getting a part time job at Little Caesars to brush up on his Roman history.
Ted Danson striking down the working class with his friend's judge gavel.
Ted Danson's lunch eating him for breakfast
Ted Danson stealth bombing a Sudanese peasant village in celebration of National Secretary Appreciation Day.
Ted Danson- Lucky duck, or cardio genius? Only his broker knows.
Ted Danson defying gravity so to attract attention away from the Titanic.
Ted Danson grafting a burrito onto his placenta.
Rubber Grandpa=Zoom Zoom Boy. This hypothesis formulated by Nairobi Buggins.
Ted Danson renting Nairobi in order to propagate his out spoken views on colon cancer to any holy pilgrim he meets there.
Ted Danson forcing a Kindergarten class to bong their own urine because he fears the teachers may strike for better wages.
Ted Danson accosting Divine JC's Master Chief when John is off line.
Ted Danson bull dozing the ruins of Rome in protest of rock being forced to defy gravity by standing erect.
Ted Danson embarking on a quest of eternal freedom, yet being distracted by Dad's potato instead.
Ted Danson creating a better tomorrow by impaling the fussy babies of today.
Ted Danson battling the man on the moon for control of a shirley temple movie
Ted danson. Giving buffalo one more reason to die
Ted Danson capitalizing on love during a Nambia bazzar.
Ted Danson dividing his loyalties between Mit Romney and Belk Duckfucker
Ted Danson burning down Harlem because he loves the color combination of black and red.
Ted Danson filling his ice cube trays with test tube zygotes so he can keep his iced tea cold.
Ted danson beating cuba gooding jr for the lead role in 'boat dogs' a michael bay film
Ted Danson wielding his merciless angles
Ted Danson carving out his mothers chest cavity in the hope of ending reno 911
Ted Danson mailing blank letters to the post office with no return address
Ted Danson turning hawaii upside down with his english pie slinging
Ted Danson throwing his teddy bear in disgust after it couldn't dampen his ass
Ted Danson thwarting god's latest maelstrom
Ted Danson drowning a muppet fish
Ted Danson mimicing a fridge to get more food
Ted Danson soothing relations with the nordic alliance by giving pristine haircuts at a discounted rate
Ted Danson melding the Jackson 5 into a prysm of milk
Ted Danson milking the cows of tomorrow in response to the sour milk of yesterday
Ted Danson reporting us to the authorities for always using his name in bizzare situations over text mediums
Ted Danson blending into his patio in the midst of an H Bomb attack from the Japs
Ted Danson tossing Don Imus into a nigger patch
Ted Danson insisting to a senate hearing committee that Jose Mesa be given international standing as a leader of Nanotechnology research
Ted Danson accepting partial birth abortions only because he doesn't like the complete baby anyway
Ted Danson scolding Phil Rizzuto after an all night hop scotch/fly fishing/Altered Beast stint
Ted Danson morphing into bauxite at the first sighting of WigWam Man
Ted Danson losing a grueling arm wrestling match with Bud the Lake
Ted Danson being written up for disregarding Zythor the Eternal Death Lord
Ted Danson carving Swastikas into the foreheads of unconscious Jews in celebration of the 90 degree angle
Ted Danson going back in time to pull Excalibur from the stone so he can then travel to the mid 90s to get the lead role in Titanic as King of the World
Ted Danson vomiting on his own grave in true celebration of Arbor Day
Ted Danson being pardoned from assassinating Tony Blair because it was in retaliation for the War of 1812
Ted Danson foreclosing on his grandson's lemonade stand for not showing a positive third quarter profit margin
Melon lad parades around a heated anvil in an attempt to crush the rebellion
Farmer Maddock knives random ringmasters so his pigs win best in show
Ted Danson feeling the heat in Cuba Gooding Jr.'s trophy room
Ralph Macchio pounding the shit out of the Olsen twins when they were casted for Full House instead of him
Evren's roller rocker brings churned glory to Pal kids
Firm sock trumps Rhino sword during the dichotomy of baby hornish jr.
Cross breeding ronald's war thump brought Evangelo his life dream...Power christ
The princeton review of the anti-pegasus
Roaring mountain hens bring communal unrest on east cluckatoo island
Ted Danson rolling around the barn with uranium and Zygote man
Ted Danson borrowing .5 lead from Jeff Uhl as a front to escape the janitor's fury
Ted Danson eating at a fine dining restaurant. On judgement day. More concerned with the fly in his soup
As Ted Danson gravitates towards no more tomorrow he finds the buckets of today not so bad
Ted Danson having only 3 minutes to live, makes 3 servings of minute rice, only to die before consumption
Ted Danson cradling the earth, giving life a new hope. Only to burn it with a magnifying glass
Ted Danson as the invisible cell phone salesman
Ted Danson, full of cheese, siphoning his own toilet as a precaution against SARS
Ted Danson voting Democrat in order to make the ghost of Ronald Reagan leave from under his bed in disgust
After a terrible ballooning accident, Andrew Tillotson inherits the vast 'Wiggles' fortune. He still likes Rosenshontz better
Ted Danson caressing Devon BobbySox beside a glacial Honey Graham
Ted Danson: Brainwashed zygote or big Artichoke pappa? Only Kirby Puckett can tell.
Ted Danson interrogating his son's camel as a supplement to lower interest rates.
Ted Danson arming the proletariat of Kenya to fight against any milk man who defies the devil.
Ted Danson, fearful of the Hebrew pickle monster in his foot, began a journey around W. 34th and Heaven in search of his PayPal account.
Ted Danson suing Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon, for putting their Hanes on him
Ted Danson bombing Kirstie Alley for one month straight. To prove Allah has no power over John Ratzenberger's ghost
George Wendt remains neutral in affairs of CHEERS WARS
Ted Danson scattering the remains of his ham over the hemisphere in order to trick Tom Selleck into pampering his radio.
Ted Danson impregnating his geologist with a syringe.
Ted Danson driving Andrew home from school for a funfilled summer of marshmallow terror, Fungus Duck, Leon Diaper Sr. , and riboflavin
It's raining ol' roy in gran parries
If you made love on a freight.. Could you build rapport while Bill Cosby frothed a love toot?
Ron Howard industrial fencing units.
Ted Danson filming a Honey Nut Cheerio.
After defeating the hydra, Ted danson rode his chariot of caramel delight to Wisconsin to battle the voice of James Earl Jones
Ted Danson starring as the robot mistress of Lake Tahoe in the sequel to A and E's biography on Wayne Olcott.
Ted Danson dying his armpit hair to the tune of Ol' Susana, not giving a second thought of imminent demise
Ted Danson dining on volcanism.
Ted Danson battling scurvy only to win a stuffed animal as his prize.
Ted Danson halting his acting career to pursue his love of needlepoint.
Ted Danson accidentally summoning Lucifer due to his careless, full-note belching of Handel's 'Messiah.'
Cuba Gooding Jr. giving Bob Vila head because not only did he show him the money, but also showed him his dick.
Ted Danson forging the back of a cereal box.
Ted Danson elbow slamming a dark elf
Ted Danson quizzing Ozzy Osbourne on 16th century tragedies
Ted Danson insulted that his bowel movements are only considered 'mitigating factors'
Ted Danson, after declaring oven magic in his kitchen, forgets to flip his cosby skillet and thus doesn't feel up the milk man
Ted Danson whipping snow balls at starving refugees in Darfur.
Ted Danson sitting in the general admission section at the Weird Al concert, because Jeff was too cheap to upgrade his tickets
The antiquated regime that always filled Ted's heart is nothing more than goomba porn and the Max Weinberg 7.
Finding that a life of crime beats Harrison Ford romance fantasies, Ted Danson seeks lawless clarity in young undead sea ladies
Refusing to order a pie from the Virgin Mary's bake shop meant that Ted was in it for the long haul and Christ wasn't smittens about it...Not for one bit
Ted Danson sweating through a grueling, full-court game of patty-cake on the starboard side of Noah's Ark.
Ted Danson piloting a mutant spaceship into the heart of Arkansas
Ted Danson embalming a picture of Dick Kinzel's coyote in tribute to fallen Nazi servicemen.
Ted Danson failing to be as popular as his siblings, Swing Danson, Square Danson and Break Danson. He is, however, more popular than his cousin, Interpretive Danson.
Ted Danson wooing Matt Neifer to spend a month's pay on a bald eagle, a sawed off shotgun and Toby Keith mittens.
Ted Danson indulging in nude Cubism in order to forget his bloody past in the Cyborg Wars of 2311.
Ted Danson employed as a barometer.
Ted Danson playing Magic: The Gathering at Matrix in Amherst to find a cure for Nigger disease.
Ted Danson stealing the hot cooked meal of a starving homeless man, only to donate it to an undeserving, morbidly obese fat kid.
Ted Danson fainting upon the reconciliation of Pie Landers and a label maker
Ted Danson. Piloting a zeppelin into a screening of harry potter. Only to be thwarted at the couragely stink of underdog.
Ted Danson mastering the dark side of the Force in order to effectively assassinate George Lucas for his responsibility in Howard the Duck.
Ted Danson watching the end of his life on C-SPAN
Ted Danson defending his home against the Taliban by planting many, many square feet of protective grass.
Flaming gorge taco salad, Claxton Mumford's favourite dish
Bruno Sardine private inbreastigator
Ted Danson blanketing the world in nipple cream and panda sauce.
Ted Danson melding his soul into Bob Saget's helmet.
Blazing mountain bears motor across I-480 with indigo eyes and a smooth complexion
Would Belviz remember to lather his Granny's lava? Only of tommy torpedo poos on the barge
Duggins remembers the Holocaust for the baby love bear it truly was, whereas Tarblins forgot to bring his taffy to the Auschwitz jacuzzi and butter bar
Pandel Quambins catpures the love of his life with a harpoon, all in time to subject his goat to the bitter truths of M.A.S.H. at 9/8 eastern time.
Velm's roadside buggy award showed Dave the real joy of a Turkish toilet surprise
Automated system queen... Living on the edge... Of a dream!
Phallic ducks, bent on global phone sex, decide to divvy up profits one gnome at a time
When Patty had finished picking the spring time meadow flowers, Bud force fed battery acid to Grandma Louise
Artichoke Danforth being led as an Executive Sugar Bear into the depths of Calvin's bario.
Gentle ButtCraft creaming his pants within the grasp of Helewangan's laser guided nugget
Barquest, Champion of the Eternal Realm, picking up trash on I 90 under terms of probation.
Steve the horse brought low by Casper's lunch surprise
Dasani utilizing time travel so to rent advertising space on Jesus' crucifixion cross
Elk Wilhelm repositioning Duke's tit-fuck portfolio all while Rejamba boards his battle steed for the war on drugs
Ted Danson feeding the starving youth of Darfur by grinding up healthy, plump American babies to use as a red creamy nutrient drink
Lord Baggletrop scanning Potato Balvin's income statement for proof that Jack Palance is a ragtime negro
Ted Danson mastering Arabic so he can put new letters in his alphabet soup
Large apple chompers are transit outcasts
Tarbine's immortal death grip loosened by Cindy's rotting pussy
Preparing a BLT for Zeus, Nelvebam learns the ancient art of a rim job from Odysseus
Returning to his quaint and nostalgic boyhood home, Bobby fucks the strangled corpse he left by the brook before stopping at Ma's
Helmans Bugo pondering the nature of crispy milk and lunch-time manure friends
Alvin-time MILF pants created all because Zombie Bob cancelled his moon Mamma pie
Pat Sajack fingering Scott Bao all while licking Tony Danzas sweaty sack inside Danny DeVitos house.
Ordering militia filled gyro dumps may seem like a yodeling endeavor but really marketable
Sugar time Baby Boy melting the living bodies of his tenants who pay their rent late
Rivera Tom's mayan toad is second fiddle to power centaur
Bob the algorithm eating a fossilized Dan Rather cookie
Al davis at gringo mart spotting the local toad noodling over christ
Klivin Wamboo's sodomized and bloody asshole used as the thematic element for a lovely and soft melody about a soaring dove
After Dr. Helfenweitz injected his final patient of the day with AIDS under forced sedation, he bought a cute little toy for his baby kitten, Muffin.
Table-Top Tyrone nudging his Gramma buggy on down to the gang bang.
Creaming henny hens invokes evil custard longings for Dropkick simon
Morphing murray tames the soul of an arguable penguin
Byron remembering that he forgot to remind his paper boy to remember to stop forgetting that he was reminded to remind Byron about his bill lest he forgets it.
Matilda the space laser arguing with Albion University's Dean of Admissions about ducks and Arby's horsey sauce.
Avians Harness lactose groves when air willy helps
The byproduct of christian lore is bill bellamy
Before henry, aka the anti christ. Could devour the life force of a midget golfer. He had to give a terrorist a million kisses
Timmy gave birth to a forty pound elf tumor, only to get orphans care bears on ice tickets
Bicentenial Lord fingering his life, and milk.
Ted Danson, Ruler of the Seas, janitor of Texaco.
Belvins litigated his creature's ass, as if plum melting would solve his body up chuck
Sandy's cancer ridden ovaries gave birth to a nation of peace loving albino mormons. Enraged! Milton did not approve
At last, Hal got to fuck his plumber and gargle with anti matter all in a 4 hour time span
Do you defy?!
Ted Danson hammering out his grandma's molars while on a recent mining expedition.
Ted Danson subjecting a bad mime to bouts of unwarranted quietness.
Ted Danson cruising the beach in a tutu, rediscovering his disco past
Ted Danson planning the demise of an elderly community. For questioning whether he likes coke better than pepsi
Ted Danson getting a part time job at Little Caesars to brush up on his Roman history.
Ted Danson striking down the working class with his friend's judge gavel.
Ted Danson's lunch eating him for breakfast
Ted Danson stealth bombing a Sudanese peasant village in celebration of National Secretary Appreciation Day.
Ted Danson- Lucky duck, or cardio genius? Only his broker knows.
Ted Danson defying gravity so to attract attention away from the Titanic.
Ted Danson grafting a burrito onto his placenta.
Rubber Grandpa=Zoom Zoom Boy. This hypothesis formulated by Nairobi Buggins.
Ted Danson renting Nairobi in order to propagate his out spoken views on colon cancer to any holy pilgrim he meets there.
Ted Danson forcing a Kindergarten class to bong their own urine because he fears the teachers may strike for better wages.
Ted Danson accosting Divine JC's Master Chief when John is off line.
Ted Danson bull dozing the ruins of Rome in protest of rock being forced to defy gravity by standing erect.
Ted Danson embarking on a quest of eternal freedom, yet being distracted by Dad's potato instead.
Ted Danson creating a better tomorrow by impaling the fussy babies of today.
Ted Danson battling the man on the moon for control of a shirley temple movie
Ted danson. Giving buffalo one more reason to die
Ted Danson capitalizing on love during a Nambia bazzar.
Ted Danson dividing his loyalties between Mit Romney and Belk Duckfucker
Ted Danson burning down Harlem because he loves the color combination of black and red.
Ted Danson filling his ice cube trays with test tube zygotes so he can keep his iced tea cold.
Ted danson beating cuba gooding jr for the lead role in 'boat dogs' a michael bay film
Ted Danson wielding his merciless angles
Ted Danson carving out his mothers chest cavity in the hope of ending reno 911
Ted Danson mailing blank letters to the post office with no return address
Ted Danson turning hawaii upside down with his english pie slinging
Ted Danson throwing his teddy bear in disgust after it couldn't dampen his ass
Ted Danson thwarting god's latest maelstrom
Ted Danson drowning a muppet fish
Ted Danson mimicing a fridge to get more food
Ted Danson soothing relations with the nordic alliance by giving pristine haircuts at a discounted rate
Ted Danson melding the Jackson 5 into a prysm of milk
Ted Danson milking the cows of tomorrow in response to the sour milk of yesterday
Ted Danson reporting us to the authorities for always using his name in bizzare situations over text mediums
Ted Danson blending into his patio in the midst of an H Bomb attack from the Japs
Ted Danson tossing Don Imus into a nigger patch
Ted Danson insisting to a senate hearing committee that Jose Mesa be given international standing as a leader of Nanotechnology research
Ted Danson accepting partial birth abortions only because he doesn't like the complete baby anyway
Ted Danson scolding Phil Rizzuto after an all night hop scotch/fly fishing/Altered Beast stint
Ted Danson morphing into bauxite at the first sighting of WigWam Man
Ted Danson losing a grueling arm wrestling match with Bud the Lake
Ted Danson being written up for disregarding Zythor the Eternal Death Lord
Ted Danson carving Swastikas into the foreheads of unconscious Jews in celebration of the 90 degree angle
Ted Danson going back in time to pull Excalibur from the stone so he can then travel to the mid 90s to get the lead role in Titanic as King of the World
Ted Danson vomiting on his own grave in true celebration of Arbor Day
Ted Danson being pardoned from assassinating Tony Blair because it was in retaliation for the War of 1812
Ted Danson foreclosing on his grandson's lemonade stand for not showing a positive third quarter profit margin
Melon lad parades around a heated anvil in an attempt to crush the rebellion
Farmer Maddock knives random ringmasters so his pigs win best in show
Ted Danson feeling the heat in Cuba Gooding Jr.'s trophy room
Ralph Macchio pounding the shit out of the Olsen twins when they were casted for Full House instead of him
Evren's roller rocker brings churned glory to Pal kids
Firm sock trumps Rhino sword during the dichotomy of baby hornish jr.
Cross breeding ronald's war thump brought Evangelo his life dream...Power christ
The princeton review of the anti-pegasus
Roaring mountain hens bring communal unrest on east cluckatoo island
Ted Danson rolling around the barn with uranium and Zygote man
Ted Danson borrowing .5 lead from Jeff Uhl as a front to escape the janitor's fury
Ted Danson eating at a fine dining restaurant. On judgement day. More concerned with the fly in his soup
As Ted Danson gravitates towards no more tomorrow he finds the buckets of today not so bad
Ted Danson having only 3 minutes to live, makes 3 servings of minute rice, only to die before consumption
Ted Danson cradling the earth, giving life a new hope. Only to burn it with a magnifying glass
Ted Danson as the invisible cell phone salesman
Ted Danson, full of cheese, siphoning his own toilet as a precaution against SARS
Ted Danson voting Democrat in order to make the ghost of Ronald Reagan leave from under his bed in disgust
After a terrible ballooning accident, Andrew Tillotson inherits the vast 'Wiggles' fortune. He still likes Rosenshontz better
Ted Danson caressing Devon BobbySox beside a glacial Honey Graham
Ted Danson: Brainwashed zygote or big Artichoke pappa? Only Kirby Puckett can tell.
Ted Danson interrogating his son's camel as a supplement to lower interest rates.
Ted Danson arming the proletariat of Kenya to fight against any milk man who defies the devil.
Ted Danson, fearful of the Hebrew pickle monster in his foot, began a journey around W. 34th and Heaven in search of his PayPal account.
Ted Danson suing Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon, for putting their Hanes on him
Ted Danson bombing Kirstie Alley for one month straight. To prove Allah has no power over John Ratzenberger's ghost
George Wendt remains neutral in affairs of CHEERS WARS
Ted Danson scattering the remains of his ham over the hemisphere in order to trick Tom Selleck into pampering his radio.
Ted Danson impregnating his geologist with a syringe.
Ted Danson driving Andrew home from school for a funfilled summer of marshmallow terror, Fungus Duck, Leon Diaper Sr. , and riboflavin
It's raining ol' roy in gran parries
If you made love on a freight.. Could you build rapport while Bill Cosby frothed a love toot?
Ron Howard industrial fencing units.
Ted Danson filming a Honey Nut Cheerio.
After defeating the hydra, Ted danson rode his chariot of caramel delight to Wisconsin to battle the voice of James Earl Jones
Ted Danson starring as the robot mistress of Lake Tahoe in the sequel to A and E's biography on Wayne Olcott.
Ted Danson dying his armpit hair to the tune of Ol' Susana, not giving a second thought of imminent demise
Ted Danson dining on volcanism.
Ted Danson battling scurvy only to win a stuffed animal as his prize.
Ted Danson halting his acting career to pursue his love of needlepoint.
Ted Danson accidentally summoning Lucifer due to his careless, full-note belching of Handel's 'Messiah.'
Cuba Gooding Jr. giving Bob Vila head because not only did he show him the money, but also showed him his dick.
Ted Danson forging the back of a cereal box.
Ted Danson elbow slamming a dark elf
Ted Danson quizzing Ozzy Osbourne on 16th century tragedies
Ted Danson insulted that his bowel movements are only considered 'mitigating factors'
Ted Danson, after declaring oven magic in his kitchen, forgets to flip his cosby skillet and thus doesn't feel up the milk man
Ted Danson whipping snow balls at starving refugees in Darfur.
Ted Danson sitting in the general admission section at the Weird Al concert, because Jeff was too cheap to upgrade his tickets
The antiquated regime that always filled Ted's heart is nothing more than goomba porn and the Max Weinberg 7.
Finding that a life of crime beats Harrison Ford romance fantasies, Ted Danson seeks lawless clarity in young undead sea ladies
Refusing to order a pie from the Virgin Mary's bake shop meant that Ted was in it for the long haul and Christ wasn't smittens about it...Not for one bit
Ted Danson sweating through a grueling, full-court game of patty-cake on the starboard side of Noah's Ark.
Ted Danson piloting a mutant spaceship into the heart of Arkansas
Ted Danson embalming a picture of Dick Kinzel's coyote in tribute to fallen Nazi servicemen.
Ted Danson failing to be as popular as his siblings, Swing Danson, Square Danson and Break Danson. He is, however, more popular than his cousin, Interpretive Danson.
Ted Danson wooing Matt Neifer to spend a month's pay on a bald eagle, a sawed off shotgun and Toby Keith mittens.
Ted Danson indulging in nude Cubism in order to forget his bloody past in the Cyborg Wars of 2311.
Ted Danson employed as a barometer.
Ted Danson playing Magic: The Gathering at Matrix in Amherst to find a cure for Nigger disease.
Ted Danson stealing the hot cooked meal of a starving homeless man, only to donate it to an undeserving, morbidly obese fat kid.
Ted Danson fainting upon the reconciliation of Pie Landers and a label maker
Ted Danson. Piloting a zeppelin into a screening of harry potter. Only to be thwarted at the couragely stink of underdog.
Ted Danson mastering the dark side of the Force in order to effectively assassinate George Lucas for his responsibility in Howard the Duck.
Ted Danson watching the end of his life on C-SPAN
Ted Danson defending his home against the Taliban by planting many, many square feet of protective grass.
Flaming gorge taco salad, Claxton Mumford's favourite dish
Bruno Sardine private inbreastigator
Ted Danson blanketing the world in nipple cream and panda sauce.
Ted Danson melding his soul into Bob Saget's helmet.
Text Messages from Junkyard Tillie pre-Sept. 2007
Ted Danson arranging tabby cats for the coming Armageddon, then sending this text for no particular reason...just because he can
Christ bellows to the marshmallow kids as Bean Willy throws truffles at Grandpa
Rolling through the Ozarks, Vern suddenly wondered why all the good creamsicles had already been licked
Art Garfunkel is here tonight and Jovan is playing hopscotch with Tommy's little bride-melt
Causing mischief in the briar patch, naughty Bobby devilishly shook his bumbum at a gaggle of passing innocent girls
As Horncrall shed his uneasiness over the scrubbing of Thudd's porcelain priest collection, Yeoling wondered if Avery's mastodon made it home safe
Maybelline fights a wild ostrich in the mudpit to protect Jorge from a spanking, meanwhile Neal tolerates his wheat puffs and meets his adoring fans
As Delvan plants the seed of hope and Jarrell launches the shuttle of liberty, Tobiah comes ashore to find the eagle has already landed
my little puppy, beaten with a baseball bat, assraped with a pitchfork and beheaded with a meat cleaver...all after being a good boy
Senator Grumples, marching for the pride of his banana tree in lieu of training Bev's ducklets to poop in the sink
Glubbins on top of Dutch's bell tower, serenading Bobby's dumptruck while watching 'Random Hearts'
While James wrote a beautiful sonnet for the love of his life, Ghalff shed his skin and mutated into a new lifeform
Dewynn's missing potato sent the congregation into massive coronary shock as the siblings of T-Bone's leprechaun struggled to regain control of things
Ryboh bled onto the shirt of stopped time while Franz Lichtenhurst poured his brains out into Billy Joel's gumball machine
Ted Danson popping his head out of the ground to signal six more weeks of dan-snow, prompting officials to rename Feb. 2 Groundted Day
Master Patty-Melt, playing a jazz ditty for Sarcoma's Dog-Shelf, on loan from the Smithsonian to be paraded around town like Strychnine-on-the-vine
Baby Blood Soup, rubbed in glass shards, poured on Crystal's severed tit, stuffed into Lakeysha's dirty cunt, then fed to Elmo live on Sesame Street
Polejumping wasn't enough to delay the railroad elves from feasting on John Stamos' brain tumor, and another discount on patio chairs wouldn't be either
As Gringo Grandpa whipped the hordes into a frenzy with a frightening fistpump, Pistolero Poppa galvanized the barracks with a thunderous chest-thump
While Dorgolp saw the potential for peace in multilateral world bodies, his brother Blafftrug hacked open the skull of an unbeliever
Creme de la Gilbert, paddywhacked into the inferno of lost bedspread, just as Happy Roy's nuptials were uttered with the veracity of a duck milf
Herr Jooper, scaring the tots of trumpet land, runs leftover cunt scraps through a fetus filter and belches Gorbonzo into Derwin's love tub
Corporate ass rape misery death hell, perpetrated upon innocent joyful souls as evil fucking monsters shit down the throats of decent, nice people
Chad Kroeger of Nickelback flogging Aaron Lewis of Staind to punish Linkin Park for ripping off Limp Bizkit, who copied off Korn, a Deftones clone
Monasset framing his cousin to take the fall for Pugglins' carrot thievery, as Joe-Bottom pretends he's over Matilda by jerking off to Thor's Ice Axe
Ma Flippy saved the pantry door from bad karma by siphoning gas from Dantrowagle's hybrid SUV, as Jerry sniffed Bart's ass for signs of the apocalypse
Toddy Bobblins being proclaimed viceroy of Trinidad and Tobago to ease the spiritual ennui of Kiki's pottery shop
If Darrell were to wax the Juniper leaves, he would find only 2 tables for Barney's love factory
Robby Maplethorpe, festooned in garter belt and silk stockings, prances down the highway of life as passing city boys are captivated by his charm and allure
Uublagonn shattered the dreams of many a preschooler when he cruelly hauled away all the swingsets and other fun stuff from the playground just before recess
Joe the flowerpot fondling the teats of Pat the intercontinental ballistic missile
As Sally and Bobby played hopscotch by the swingset, immortal cyborgs from 2042 eviscerated Mommy's and Daddy's skulls with metallic precision
Osama bin Laden convincing Tony Blair to force Vladimir Putin's secret police into betraying Libya by instigating a North Korean nuclear attack on Haiti
Eragon Thor the mythic viking warrior, suckling on mother's milk after petting his cute little kitty cat
Purgatory Pete being daddyspanked by the Hand of God for delaying the Pope's final journey to the Lord with a quibble over the art design of heaven's gate
Potential butter cream massaged through the nether realm of Dwight's mystery java...as Senor Pricklypants croons a ballad for Art Garfunkel on Valentine's Day
Ego toast, slithering along the pie chart of life, beams a message of hope and rigatoni through the zen garden until zebramen fix the universe's leaky faucet
Negroes might seem like people, but they're really just there to make us feel better about ourselves
Dildo St. Clair, beaming with pride at the birth of his little murder victim, never misses an opportunity to stuff his mother's head in a woodchipper
Bangles McTutu saving a fledgling battlestar from the brink of doom by penetrating Dowrymple's magnetic forcefield with his deathray
Daddy's Super Dance Militia, farming out state secrets to the Chinese in exchange for a lifetime 10% discount at Bed Bath & Beyond
Though taking Christ to the bank for mortgage consultation might seem like blasphemy, its really just sound financial planning
Margarene's lovefuck came in third place, just behind Goebbels' sales figures and well off the pace of Bert's peace treaty
Mr Halfway Load-Bones, dismayed at the killing of his piranha by members of a popular French TV program, set off to find the nigger darlings of his youth
Milt the space boar suturing his own eyeballs to the mentality of Jersey's hometown boy while a grapplehook pierces the flesh of Daron, his unused fetus
As Ulrich's stormtroopers marched through Europe torturing and executing millions of defenseless people, Hans nursed a baby squirrel with a bottle of warm milk
Smug Jerry bobbing for trolls on the back of Oyster Cowboy
Renting a timeshare was a tough task for Ken Smith, similar to solving the immigration issue by skinning his spick gardener before boiling him alive
Nimble mop makes felon hares look silly
Ted Danson believes that the diapers of tomorrow could cover the leaky buttholes of today
David was in love with Todd's sister Ray. He would bang on his drum all day, til Ray came home. They all lived happily ever after in Todd's shaving cream.
Without the benefit of asbestos love and pigeonholed as just another oil refinery, Prescription King merrily floats on to the next diabetic
Benny decided to overnight his granny to the moon with UPS, only to find she had already Fedexed herself to Neptune at a much cheaper rate
Rounding the horn of voodoo splices cotton into family films
Jugglers find escrow useless in the search for Rodney Peete
bitch's fun is biblical, and contains 7 vital nutrients
Scooter equals refreshment minus the caged phenom in central Oregon
Retired heart offers a moral compass in troubled times, and bargain hotel rates
Donald breeds glowing firehogs to purge the skies of melon chasers
Ghost Kitty eternally stuck in a wormhole, yet still freshest if used by 04/2009
Tommy mutilated a colony of 80,000 Nords with a miter saw but couldn't comprehend how Speed Stick for Women kept him dry the entire time
Ted Danson stealing the time machine created to prevent 9/11 so he can go back and see Journey in their prime
I defy! ... "Ohhhhh!!! My soul!!!"
Ted Danson once tried rockpiling a barn wall...instead he just ended up fearing duck soup
Ted Danson explained the inner workings of the cosmos and forever changed the scope of human knowledge. But first he gave Dave Coulier a hardon.
Ted Danson riding his chariot of fire to a nursing home production of "Grease"
Ted Danson velcroing a Dresden air raid to a lunchlady
Ted Danson dyeing the ocean
Ted Danson filming the Big Bang
Ted Danson exhaling mustard gas
Ted Danson wiretapping Politburo phones from Noah's ark
Ted Danson bonging the human genome
Ted Danson planting evidence of bank fraud in the primordial soup
Ted Danson injecting baby formula into the Earth's inner core
Ted Danson dressing up in a little monkey outfit to throw snowballs at a bugle champion
Ted Danson shredding the flesh of a nuclear elf to sprinkle on his oatmeal
Ted Danson vacuuming alien thoughts off the Andes Mountains so his swivel chair wont make that annoying creaking noise anymore
Hudson was shuffle-sacked by the rainy Tuesday that Colombo Joan dared to theorize
Ted Danson drinking a sixpack of Bud Ice in a beanbag chair during midnight mass
Ted Danson converting an illegal alien into Fruity Pebbles to prevent the rebirth of life after nuclear holocaust
Ted Danson plugging his carotid artery into a sunken Navy sub to guide Sherman Hemsley toward the hounds of Hell
Ted Danson freeze-drying both his knees as a hedge against a global downturn in the price of gold
Ted Danson causing a permanent lunar eclipse with the sheer power of his mind because his bedroom blinds can't keep the moonlight from waking him up
Ted Danson impaling reality-show rejects to save the Kingdom of Christendom from a lo-carb diet
Ted Danson tossing 3/4 of the world's population into a 100-mile-wide bonfire because global warming is taking too long
Ted Danson leaving reality through a timerip to exist only in a theoretical computation, so he can get out of the final 2 grand on his home equity loan
Ted Danson playing 19 games of tag with a roaring bald man to maximize frowns
Ted Danson using his 3 wishes from a genie in a bottle to turn himself into a guitar string, cause he really wants to feel Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi pluck him
Ted Danson using guerrilla tactics to weld his lost innocence onto a freezepop
Ted Danson sabotaging a fierce game of wheelchair basketball at the Special Olympics by peeing in the Gatorade cooler, claiming it's new "dark lemon" flavor
Ted Danson breaking the code of silence by mimicking a bad mime
Ted Danson halving global poverty to end nuclear disarmament
Ted Danson granting TV repairmen unequal rights to atone for original sin
Ted Danson quacking like a duck to impress his therapist's black friend
Ted Danson warding off a midlife crisis by having brunch with the Fuhrer
Ted Danson reinvigorating the urban underclass with hope for a brighter future while his doppelganger takes pictures of cripples and amputees pooping
Ted Danson embalming his brain to preserve his childhood memories
Ted Danson convincing Bible Camp counselors that black power is a myth
Ted Danson dunking his summer fling into a patio of meat cause she stopped putting out
Ted Danson, baffled by the lack of genocide at Cici's, raises the buffet price by a quarter to accomodate more corpses
Ted Danson throwing gramps into the sea
Ted Danson confusing a genuine stigmatic with an Orange Julius
Ted Danson unleashing crazed gerbils along George Bush's jogging path
Ted Danson getting a used Elantra, realizing the die is cast
Ted Danson coming out of the closet, literally, after ironing his favorite shirt
Ted Danson using his gyro suit to repel uncle-shaped bluesmen
Ted Danson stroking his ego by climbing a Gary Busey tree
Ted Danson, saddened to learn that he's only two rungs up the evolutionary ladder from the lowly butterfish
Ted Danson suing Romania for its lack of soul reapers
Ted Danson reacquainting cobblers with elk terror
Ted Danson protesting the death penalty because it doesn't cover people who drink Amstel Light
Ted Danson blaming the lack of crunchy oat clusters in his cereal on a Cedar Point Employee Cornerstone
Ted Danson unearthing home movies of Weird Al's first parsley encounter
Ted Danson giving a baby the death penalty for requesting that the doctor who tried to abort it be given leniency
Ted Danson mercilessly tickling a rodeo clown for renewing his subscription to Zucchini Addicts' Weekly
Ted Danson re-ratifying the Constitution in his basement to prove to George Bush he's still a true patriot
Ted Danson unleashed an onslaught of insults at an interstellar deathray, totally ruining its self-esteem...now it burns CDs by the roadside to make ends meet
Ted Danson, inspired by the Anna Nicole baby saga, goes back in time to rape Sally Hemings and fight Thomas Jefferson for custody
Ted Danson brokering a two-state solution, 9 hours after the end of time
Ted Danson auditioning for the role of Pvt. Dick Feest in the upcoming military-themed hardcore anal flick, 'Contort the Poops'
Ted Danson living out the creed of his favorite eagle's poolside barbecue
Ted Danson challenging Baby Borneo to an armwrestle-to-the-death to settle once and for all whether Big Boy or Bob Evans offers the best combo of value & taste
Ted Danson using Bible Belt kids as powerdrills in his unending quest for a world where dreams come true
Ted Danson finally deciding that three pied pipers is more than enough to have on call for one lousy reenactment of The Last Supper
Ted Danson mistaking a bull terrier breeding house for the surgery he half-recalled opting not to have in a previous life
Ted Danson, along with teenagers in a midwest town, discovers he is destined to fight off an alien invasion with the help of a mental patient/comic book artist
Ted Danson bonging a halfgallon of blackout stout and challenging YOU, Jeff Hoyt, to match him to prove youre not what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a 'girlieman'
Ted Danson kidnapping black babies from the arms of gorillas
Tuba cohorts ride in on rescue mice before the dawn of Spud
Planting a mongoose in the grave of dad takes more cheer than Apple Man can summon
Granting reprieve for the Sbarro Kings is moot unless Chimp Squad strikes a bargain
If doorknockers stop bellringers from using the intercom, then buzzers have nothing to do
Polishing orchids in the shape of John Goodman wont take Chap to the heights his motorduck achieved
Rayboy was livid at the sight of his monster waiting for the bus
Ted Danson pooping out a Joey Lawrence clone
Ted Danson lulling you to sleep by softly reading "Splendor in the Bundling"
Ted Danson cleaning up corruption in the Tammany Hall machine, prior to the dawn of man
Ted Danson flying an improbable, yet brave, B-2 Condor mission to retrieve his disco collection from Ben Stiller's attic
Ted Danson's masturbatory fantasy includes people with gills, utility shelves, Peace Corps pamphlets and Bob's mildew
Gary the tubesteak blathers on endlessly while Sherm the roadmap discovers a fresh outlook on life
Ted Danson, in desperate need of a heart transplant, injects car crash victims with alka seltzer so if they die he won't wake up with heartburn after surgery
Ted Danson freezing the assets of a home-based business to prevent zombies from switching to a vegan diet
Ted Danson insisting he be referred to only as "Killer"...apparently to recapture the danger of his youth, or something
Ted Danson refusing to wave a wand, even though he knows it actually has true magical powers, because he thinks it makes him look feminine
Ted Danson giving Jaleel White the benefit of the doubt in his recent burnt popcorn/kiddie porn/ninja impersonation scandal
Ted Danson creating cheesy computer animation for a lame commercial to sell an average household product...then realizing that everyone else already does this
Ted Danson, infuriated that his miniature friend refuses to give his calf muscles miniature massages anymore...at least he still does miniature housework though
Ted Danson pistolwhipping the truth out of an 8 year old paraplegic
Ted Danson dousing the earth in gasoline and tossing it into an intergalactic bonfire
Ted Danson drifting skyward after a grueling bout with Helium Boy
Ted Danson screwing with a 17-year-old assistant manager at Half Price Books by sneaking around the store planting goat/midget porn on all the shelves
Ted Danson unleashing America's entire nuclear arsenal on a deserted island
Ted Danson cementing the lingering ghost of an Iraqi torture victim in a scenic nature preserve
Ted Danson ordering a black bike and a PSP online for his son's birthday, but due to errant keystrokes, receiving a black PCP addict named Mike instead
Ted Danson turning the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield into dry ice through a black magic spell he learned from the King of Houston
Ted Danson waiting for the end of the world. In line at the motor vehicle bureau.
Ted Danson laying on his couch in nothing but a diamond necklace, mimicking the erotic drawing scene from Titanic
Ted Danson crushing an octogenarian's zest for life by pelting him relentlessly with a nerf gun
Ted Danson building a robot to fix his broken spaceship so he can get back to Alpha Centauri for a winner-take-all game of Jenga with the Centaurian leader
Ted Danson belching Alex Trebek's cape into the River of Secrets
Ted Danson stuffing Diane Chambers into the duffel bag of a negro who could never get a table at Cheers cause nobody knew his name
Ted Danson driving himself to clinical insanity and requiring hospitalization, by neverendingly forcing his brain to try to compute 1 divided by 0
Ted Danson bringing back the Steel Breakfast Era
Ted Danson lying to a grand jury about his involvement in the 2002 murder of Mr. Binkles the circus clown
Ted Danson cleaving off his prosthetic arm so he can reattach his real one
Ted Danson casting a murderous gaze at Alex Trebek, forever scarring his psyche
Ted Danson giving rise to the Golden Age of robust kitchen warriors
Ted Danson scouring backalley dumpsters for post-9/11 angst
Ted Danson unleashing pitbulls in gloryhole rooms
Ted Danson going back in time to 1930s Russia to doodle stick figures pooping over top of Stalin propaganda posters
Ted Danson giving Chairman Mao a taste of prenatal wrath
Ted Danson eating 200 eclairs while grabbing an angel's left tit so Sting will bankroll his journey to Terabithia
Ted Danson giving a hot carl to a cyclops
Ted Danson utterly disappointed after going back in time to meet Hippocrates cause he thought he was getting crates full of hippos, not some old Greek dude
Ted Danson accidentally stifling the screams of the Lochness Monster, thinking it was Sally Field
Ted Danson driving a stake through the heart of a 97-year-old Alzheimer's patient, cause that Alzheimer's shit is taking too fuckin long
Ted Danson making balloon animals at a frantic pace so he can enter 'The Cell' with Jennifer Lopez
Ted Danson putting on a beret and giving you 25 sweet primroses from the banks of the Seine River, just before serenading you with Happy Birthday in French
Ted Danson asserting himself as the clearcut favorite in the two-way race for town comptroller between him and an onion
When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, Ted Danson hopes you dance
Ted Danson defying his half-uncle's pharmacist by permanently sealing the Earth's capacity for love and brotherhood in a dank stairwell behind an old mop bucket
Ted Danson calling now for his free, no obligation information kit to find out if Bosley Hair Restoration is right for him
Ted Danson filling his time-boat with the half-brother of an Algonquin mortgage consultant so his garden patch can enjoy its rendezvous with Bart's heirloom
Ted Danson organizing a roundtable discussion on how clean Irish Spring makes him feel
Ted Danson hunting Ben Stein through the Cleveland Metroparks with a bow and arrow
Ted Danson takin his honeys out for a night of clubbin in the Popemobile
Ted Danson doing cartwheels through the hospital halls after beating a terminally ill 9-year-old in a charity game of Goldeneye with a well placed proxy mine
Ted Danson finishing off his uncle in a friendly game of gin rummy at the family Christmas get-together with a Mortal Kombat-style spine removal
Ted Danson convening mushroom pals to order in the matter of Frigate Sr. vs. Trumbull County Commissioner's Office
Ted Danson composing an ode to osteoporosis on his fiddle
Ted Danson relentlessly Tivo'ing 'Who's the Boss?' reruns with Puritanical fervor
Ted Danson speed-writing the next Bible verse within the untold realm of Traverse City
Ted Danson cackling with an evil heart at the prospect of yet another Scrabble triumph
Ted Danson joining Fight Club only to immediately forget the 2nd rule of Fight Club. He remembered the 1st rule though.
Ted Danson getting into Harvard posthumously by making his corpse impersonate a dried fig
Ted Danson baiting Tony Danza into running the lights for Bruce Willis' 'Barnyard Boogie 2007 Reunion Tour,' coming soon to a city near you
Ted Danson creaming a water buffalo. On top of the ferris wheel. At the peak of tomato season.
Ted Danson framing a picture of himself waiting in line to get his picture taken
Ted Danson finding his future bride by Googling "Ted Danson + future bride"
Ted Danson, tired of squinting, manually setting the sun with a complex system of levers and pulleys
Ted Danson performing world-class, life-saving heart transplants in exchange for Cedarpointopoly signed by Dan Keller
Ted Danson steering a frigate into Flo's Tuesday night bowling league
Ted Danson spreading hayfever as a ploy to bring down the Goodyear blimp
Ted Danson becoming a vampire in hope of sparking a Genesis reunion
Ted Danson suing the pants off a topless milf, to get her completely naked
Ted Danson rolling down off the top bunk to get his industrial size cottage cheese container out of his fridge, then getting back up and eating the whole thing
Ted Danson pleading with a hooker to honor his Buckeye Card and give him 10% off her regular rate
Ted Danson pondering the gap between mitosis and meiosis, while suspended rather serenely above the Sears Tower in a large, ethereal crystal sphere
Ted Danson dedicating the rest of his life to reading Life magazine, playing Life the board game, and eating Life cereal
Ted Danson dreaming of being a writer one day; specifically, hoping to model his writing style after Joseph Rothschild
Horatio's frenzied tidings, the ultimate in God-ketchup face
Chub Kowalczyk, giving Wanda cheap feels in the back of a Penske rental van
Ted Danson forgoing a piece of ass in favor of a private screening of Air Bud: World Pup
Ted Danson granting a keynote speaker's deathwish while accurately whistling a Bach fugue
Ted Danson buttfucking Judith Light with a strap-on oboe
Ted Danson saving America from the financial ruin sure to come when Baby Boomers become eligible for Social Security in a few years, by fileting a snowman
Ted Danson filming the reunion of Dick Tracy with Saddam Hussein's soul while Brent Lare returns to the casting office at 1 am to look for his shoe
Christ bellows to the marshmallow kids as Bean Willy throws truffles at Grandpa
Rolling through the Ozarks, Vern suddenly wondered why all the good creamsicles had already been licked
Art Garfunkel is here tonight and Jovan is playing hopscotch with Tommy's little bride-melt
Causing mischief in the briar patch, naughty Bobby devilishly shook his bumbum at a gaggle of passing innocent girls
As Horncrall shed his uneasiness over the scrubbing of Thudd's porcelain priest collection, Yeoling wondered if Avery's mastodon made it home safe
Maybelline fights a wild ostrich in the mudpit to protect Jorge from a spanking, meanwhile Neal tolerates his wheat puffs and meets his adoring fans
As Delvan plants the seed of hope and Jarrell launches the shuttle of liberty, Tobiah comes ashore to find the eagle has already landed
my little puppy, beaten with a baseball bat, assraped with a pitchfork and beheaded with a meat cleaver...all after being a good boy
Senator Grumples, marching for the pride of his banana tree in lieu of training Bev's ducklets to poop in the sink
Glubbins on top of Dutch's bell tower, serenading Bobby's dumptruck while watching 'Random Hearts'
While James wrote a beautiful sonnet for the love of his life, Ghalff shed his skin and mutated into a new lifeform
Dewynn's missing potato sent the congregation into massive coronary shock as the siblings of T-Bone's leprechaun struggled to regain control of things
Ryboh bled onto the shirt of stopped time while Franz Lichtenhurst poured his brains out into Billy Joel's gumball machine
Ted Danson popping his head out of the ground to signal six more weeks of dan-snow, prompting officials to rename Feb. 2 Groundted Day
Master Patty-Melt, playing a jazz ditty for Sarcoma's Dog-Shelf, on loan from the Smithsonian to be paraded around town like Strychnine-on-the-vine
Baby Blood Soup, rubbed in glass shards, poured on Crystal's severed tit, stuffed into Lakeysha's dirty cunt, then fed to Elmo live on Sesame Street
Polejumping wasn't enough to delay the railroad elves from feasting on John Stamos' brain tumor, and another discount on patio chairs wouldn't be either
As Gringo Grandpa whipped the hordes into a frenzy with a frightening fistpump, Pistolero Poppa galvanized the barracks with a thunderous chest-thump
While Dorgolp saw the potential for peace in multilateral world bodies, his brother Blafftrug hacked open the skull of an unbeliever
Creme de la Gilbert, paddywhacked into the inferno of lost bedspread, just as Happy Roy's nuptials were uttered with the veracity of a duck milf
Herr Jooper, scaring the tots of trumpet land, runs leftover cunt scraps through a fetus filter and belches Gorbonzo into Derwin's love tub
Corporate ass rape misery death hell, perpetrated upon innocent joyful souls as evil fucking monsters shit down the throats of decent, nice people
Chad Kroeger of Nickelback flogging Aaron Lewis of Staind to punish Linkin Park for ripping off Limp Bizkit, who copied off Korn, a Deftones clone
Monasset framing his cousin to take the fall for Pugglins' carrot thievery, as Joe-Bottom pretends he's over Matilda by jerking off to Thor's Ice Axe
Ma Flippy saved the pantry door from bad karma by siphoning gas from Dantrowagle's hybrid SUV, as Jerry sniffed Bart's ass for signs of the apocalypse
Toddy Bobblins being proclaimed viceroy of Trinidad and Tobago to ease the spiritual ennui of Kiki's pottery shop
If Darrell were to wax the Juniper leaves, he would find only 2 tables for Barney's love factory
Robby Maplethorpe, festooned in garter belt and silk stockings, prances down the highway of life as passing city boys are captivated by his charm and allure
Uublagonn shattered the dreams of many a preschooler when he cruelly hauled away all the swingsets and other fun stuff from the playground just before recess
Joe the flowerpot fondling the teats of Pat the intercontinental ballistic missile
As Sally and Bobby played hopscotch by the swingset, immortal cyborgs from 2042 eviscerated Mommy's and Daddy's skulls with metallic precision
Osama bin Laden convincing Tony Blair to force Vladimir Putin's secret police into betraying Libya by instigating a North Korean nuclear attack on Haiti
Eragon Thor the mythic viking warrior, suckling on mother's milk after petting his cute little kitty cat
Purgatory Pete being daddyspanked by the Hand of God for delaying the Pope's final journey to the Lord with a quibble over the art design of heaven's gate
Potential butter cream massaged through the nether realm of Dwight's mystery java...as Senor Pricklypants croons a ballad for Art Garfunkel on Valentine's Day
Ego toast, slithering along the pie chart of life, beams a message of hope and rigatoni through the zen garden until zebramen fix the universe's leaky faucet
Negroes might seem like people, but they're really just there to make us feel better about ourselves
Dildo St. Clair, beaming with pride at the birth of his little murder victim, never misses an opportunity to stuff his mother's head in a woodchipper
Bangles McTutu saving a fledgling battlestar from the brink of doom by penetrating Dowrymple's magnetic forcefield with his deathray
Daddy's Super Dance Militia, farming out state secrets to the Chinese in exchange for a lifetime 10% discount at Bed Bath & Beyond
Though taking Christ to the bank for mortgage consultation might seem like blasphemy, its really just sound financial planning
Margarene's lovefuck came in third place, just behind Goebbels' sales figures and well off the pace of Bert's peace treaty
Mr Halfway Load-Bones, dismayed at the killing of his piranha by members of a popular French TV program, set off to find the nigger darlings of his youth
Milt the space boar suturing his own eyeballs to the mentality of Jersey's hometown boy while a grapplehook pierces the flesh of Daron, his unused fetus
As Ulrich's stormtroopers marched through Europe torturing and executing millions of defenseless people, Hans nursed a baby squirrel with a bottle of warm milk
Smug Jerry bobbing for trolls on the back of Oyster Cowboy
Renting a timeshare was a tough task for Ken Smith, similar to solving the immigration issue by skinning his spick gardener before boiling him alive
Nimble mop makes felon hares look silly
Ted Danson believes that the diapers of tomorrow could cover the leaky buttholes of today
David was in love with Todd's sister Ray. He would bang on his drum all day, til Ray came home. They all lived happily ever after in Todd's shaving cream.
Without the benefit of asbestos love and pigeonholed as just another oil refinery, Prescription King merrily floats on to the next diabetic
Benny decided to overnight his granny to the moon with UPS, only to find she had already Fedexed herself to Neptune at a much cheaper rate
Rounding the horn of voodoo splices cotton into family films
Jugglers find escrow useless in the search for Rodney Peete
bitch's fun is biblical, and contains 7 vital nutrients
Scooter equals refreshment minus the caged phenom in central Oregon
Retired heart offers a moral compass in troubled times, and bargain hotel rates
Donald breeds glowing firehogs to purge the skies of melon chasers
Ghost Kitty eternally stuck in a wormhole, yet still freshest if used by 04/2009
Tommy mutilated a colony of 80,000 Nords with a miter saw but couldn't comprehend how Speed Stick for Women kept him dry the entire time
Ted Danson stealing the time machine created to prevent 9/11 so he can go back and see Journey in their prime
I defy! ... "Ohhhhh!!! My soul!!!"
Ted Danson once tried rockpiling a barn wall...instead he just ended up fearing duck soup
Ted Danson explained the inner workings of the cosmos and forever changed the scope of human knowledge. But first he gave Dave Coulier a hardon.
Ted Danson riding his chariot of fire to a nursing home production of "Grease"
Ted Danson velcroing a Dresden air raid to a lunchlady
Ted Danson dyeing the ocean
Ted Danson filming the Big Bang
Ted Danson exhaling mustard gas
Ted Danson wiretapping Politburo phones from Noah's ark
Ted Danson bonging the human genome
Ted Danson planting evidence of bank fraud in the primordial soup
Ted Danson injecting baby formula into the Earth's inner core
Ted Danson dressing up in a little monkey outfit to throw snowballs at a bugle champion
Ted Danson shredding the flesh of a nuclear elf to sprinkle on his oatmeal
Ted Danson vacuuming alien thoughts off the Andes Mountains so his swivel chair wont make that annoying creaking noise anymore
Hudson was shuffle-sacked by the rainy Tuesday that Colombo Joan dared to theorize
Ted Danson drinking a sixpack of Bud Ice in a beanbag chair during midnight mass
Ted Danson converting an illegal alien into Fruity Pebbles to prevent the rebirth of life after nuclear holocaust
Ted Danson plugging his carotid artery into a sunken Navy sub to guide Sherman Hemsley toward the hounds of Hell
Ted Danson freeze-drying both his knees as a hedge against a global downturn in the price of gold
Ted Danson causing a permanent lunar eclipse with the sheer power of his mind because his bedroom blinds can't keep the moonlight from waking him up
Ted Danson impaling reality-show rejects to save the Kingdom of Christendom from a lo-carb diet
Ted Danson tossing 3/4 of the world's population into a 100-mile-wide bonfire because global warming is taking too long
Ted Danson leaving reality through a timerip to exist only in a theoretical computation, so he can get out of the final 2 grand on his home equity loan
Ted Danson playing 19 games of tag with a roaring bald man to maximize frowns
Ted Danson using his 3 wishes from a genie in a bottle to turn himself into a guitar string, cause he really wants to feel Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi pluck him
Ted Danson using guerrilla tactics to weld his lost innocence onto a freezepop
Ted Danson sabotaging a fierce game of wheelchair basketball at the Special Olympics by peeing in the Gatorade cooler, claiming it's new "dark lemon" flavor
Ted Danson breaking the code of silence by mimicking a bad mime
Ted Danson halving global poverty to end nuclear disarmament
Ted Danson granting TV repairmen unequal rights to atone for original sin
Ted Danson quacking like a duck to impress his therapist's black friend
Ted Danson warding off a midlife crisis by having brunch with the Fuhrer
Ted Danson reinvigorating the urban underclass with hope for a brighter future while his doppelganger takes pictures of cripples and amputees pooping
Ted Danson embalming his brain to preserve his childhood memories
Ted Danson convincing Bible Camp counselors that black power is a myth
Ted Danson dunking his summer fling into a patio of meat cause she stopped putting out
Ted Danson, baffled by the lack of genocide at Cici's, raises the buffet price by a quarter to accomodate more corpses
Ted Danson throwing gramps into the sea
Ted Danson confusing a genuine stigmatic with an Orange Julius
Ted Danson unleashing crazed gerbils along George Bush's jogging path
Ted Danson getting a used Elantra, realizing the die is cast
Ted Danson coming out of the closet, literally, after ironing his favorite shirt
Ted Danson using his gyro suit to repel uncle-shaped bluesmen
Ted Danson stroking his ego by climbing a Gary Busey tree
Ted Danson, saddened to learn that he's only two rungs up the evolutionary ladder from the lowly butterfish
Ted Danson suing Romania for its lack of soul reapers
Ted Danson reacquainting cobblers with elk terror
Ted Danson protesting the death penalty because it doesn't cover people who drink Amstel Light
Ted Danson blaming the lack of crunchy oat clusters in his cereal on a Cedar Point Employee Cornerstone
Ted Danson unearthing home movies of Weird Al's first parsley encounter
Ted Danson giving a baby the death penalty for requesting that the doctor who tried to abort it be given leniency
Ted Danson mercilessly tickling a rodeo clown for renewing his subscription to Zucchini Addicts' Weekly
Ted Danson re-ratifying the Constitution in his basement to prove to George Bush he's still a true patriot
Ted Danson unleashed an onslaught of insults at an interstellar deathray, totally ruining its self-esteem...now it burns CDs by the roadside to make ends meet
Ted Danson, inspired by the Anna Nicole baby saga, goes back in time to rape Sally Hemings and fight Thomas Jefferson for custody
Ted Danson brokering a two-state solution, 9 hours after the end of time
Ted Danson auditioning for the role of Pvt. Dick Feest in the upcoming military-themed hardcore anal flick, 'Contort the Poops'
Ted Danson living out the creed of his favorite eagle's poolside barbecue
Ted Danson challenging Baby Borneo to an armwrestle-to-the-death to settle once and for all whether Big Boy or Bob Evans offers the best combo of value & taste
Ted Danson using Bible Belt kids as powerdrills in his unending quest for a world where dreams come true
Ted Danson finally deciding that three pied pipers is more than enough to have on call for one lousy reenactment of The Last Supper
Ted Danson mistaking a bull terrier breeding house for the surgery he half-recalled opting not to have in a previous life
Ted Danson, along with teenagers in a midwest town, discovers he is destined to fight off an alien invasion with the help of a mental patient/comic book artist
Ted Danson bonging a halfgallon of blackout stout and challenging YOU, Jeff Hoyt, to match him to prove youre not what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a 'girlieman'
Ted Danson kidnapping black babies from the arms of gorillas
Tuba cohorts ride in on rescue mice before the dawn of Spud
Planting a mongoose in the grave of dad takes more cheer than Apple Man can summon
Granting reprieve for the Sbarro Kings is moot unless Chimp Squad strikes a bargain
If doorknockers stop bellringers from using the intercom, then buzzers have nothing to do
Polishing orchids in the shape of John Goodman wont take Chap to the heights his motorduck achieved
Rayboy was livid at the sight of his monster waiting for the bus
Ted Danson pooping out a Joey Lawrence clone
Ted Danson lulling you to sleep by softly reading "Splendor in the Bundling"
Ted Danson cleaning up corruption in the Tammany Hall machine, prior to the dawn of man
Ted Danson flying an improbable, yet brave, B-2 Condor mission to retrieve his disco collection from Ben Stiller's attic
Ted Danson's masturbatory fantasy includes people with gills, utility shelves, Peace Corps pamphlets and Bob's mildew
Gary the tubesteak blathers on endlessly while Sherm the roadmap discovers a fresh outlook on life
Ted Danson, in desperate need of a heart transplant, injects car crash victims with alka seltzer so if they die he won't wake up with heartburn after surgery
Ted Danson freezing the assets of a home-based business to prevent zombies from switching to a vegan diet
Ted Danson insisting he be referred to only as "Killer"...apparently to recapture the danger of his youth, or something
Ted Danson refusing to wave a wand, even though he knows it actually has true magical powers, because he thinks it makes him look feminine
Ted Danson giving Jaleel White the benefit of the doubt in his recent burnt popcorn/kiddie porn/ninja impersonation scandal
Ted Danson creating cheesy computer animation for a lame commercial to sell an average household product...then realizing that everyone else already does this
Ted Danson, infuriated that his miniature friend refuses to give his calf muscles miniature massages anymore...at least he still does miniature housework though
Ted Danson pistolwhipping the truth out of an 8 year old paraplegic
Ted Danson dousing the earth in gasoline and tossing it into an intergalactic bonfire
Ted Danson drifting skyward after a grueling bout with Helium Boy
Ted Danson screwing with a 17-year-old assistant manager at Half Price Books by sneaking around the store planting goat/midget porn on all the shelves
Ted Danson unleashing America's entire nuclear arsenal on a deserted island
Ted Danson cementing the lingering ghost of an Iraqi torture victim in a scenic nature preserve
Ted Danson ordering a black bike and a PSP online for his son's birthday, but due to errant keystrokes, receiving a black PCP addict named Mike instead
Ted Danson turning the ghost of Rodney Dangerfield into dry ice through a black magic spell he learned from the King of Houston
Ted Danson waiting for the end of the world. In line at the motor vehicle bureau.
Ted Danson laying on his couch in nothing but a diamond necklace, mimicking the erotic drawing scene from Titanic
Ted Danson crushing an octogenarian's zest for life by pelting him relentlessly with a nerf gun
Ted Danson building a robot to fix his broken spaceship so he can get back to Alpha Centauri for a winner-take-all game of Jenga with the Centaurian leader
Ted Danson belching Alex Trebek's cape into the River of Secrets
Ted Danson stuffing Diane Chambers into the duffel bag of a negro who could never get a table at Cheers cause nobody knew his name
Ted Danson driving himself to clinical insanity and requiring hospitalization, by neverendingly forcing his brain to try to compute 1 divided by 0
Ted Danson bringing back the Steel Breakfast Era
Ted Danson lying to a grand jury about his involvement in the 2002 murder of Mr. Binkles the circus clown
Ted Danson cleaving off his prosthetic arm so he can reattach his real one
Ted Danson casting a murderous gaze at Alex Trebek, forever scarring his psyche
Ted Danson giving rise to the Golden Age of robust kitchen warriors
Ted Danson scouring backalley dumpsters for post-9/11 angst
Ted Danson unleashing pitbulls in gloryhole rooms
Ted Danson going back in time to 1930s Russia to doodle stick figures pooping over top of Stalin propaganda posters
Ted Danson giving Chairman Mao a taste of prenatal wrath
Ted Danson eating 200 eclairs while grabbing an angel's left tit so Sting will bankroll his journey to Terabithia
Ted Danson giving a hot carl to a cyclops
Ted Danson utterly disappointed after going back in time to meet Hippocrates cause he thought he was getting crates full of hippos, not some old Greek dude
Ted Danson accidentally stifling the screams of the Lochness Monster, thinking it was Sally Field
Ted Danson driving a stake through the heart of a 97-year-old Alzheimer's patient, cause that Alzheimer's shit is taking too fuckin long
Ted Danson making balloon animals at a frantic pace so he can enter 'The Cell' with Jennifer Lopez
Ted Danson putting on a beret and giving you 25 sweet primroses from the banks of the Seine River, just before serenading you with Happy Birthday in French
Ted Danson asserting himself as the clearcut favorite in the two-way race for town comptroller between him and an onion
When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, Ted Danson hopes you dance
Ted Danson defying his half-uncle's pharmacist by permanently sealing the Earth's capacity for love and brotherhood in a dank stairwell behind an old mop bucket
Ted Danson calling now for his free, no obligation information kit to find out if Bosley Hair Restoration is right for him
Ted Danson filling his time-boat with the half-brother of an Algonquin mortgage consultant so his garden patch can enjoy its rendezvous with Bart's heirloom
Ted Danson organizing a roundtable discussion on how clean Irish Spring makes him feel
Ted Danson hunting Ben Stein through the Cleveland Metroparks with a bow and arrow
Ted Danson takin his honeys out for a night of clubbin in the Popemobile
Ted Danson doing cartwheels through the hospital halls after beating a terminally ill 9-year-old in a charity game of Goldeneye with a well placed proxy mine
Ted Danson finishing off his uncle in a friendly game of gin rummy at the family Christmas get-together with a Mortal Kombat-style spine removal
Ted Danson convening mushroom pals to order in the matter of Frigate Sr. vs. Trumbull County Commissioner's Office
Ted Danson composing an ode to osteoporosis on his fiddle
Ted Danson relentlessly Tivo'ing 'Who's the Boss?' reruns with Puritanical fervor
Ted Danson speed-writing the next Bible verse within the untold realm of Traverse City
Ted Danson cackling with an evil heart at the prospect of yet another Scrabble triumph
Ted Danson joining Fight Club only to immediately forget the 2nd rule of Fight Club. He remembered the 1st rule though.
Ted Danson getting into Harvard posthumously by making his corpse impersonate a dried fig
Ted Danson baiting Tony Danza into running the lights for Bruce Willis' 'Barnyard Boogie 2007 Reunion Tour,' coming soon to a city near you
Ted Danson creaming a water buffalo. On top of the ferris wheel. At the peak of tomato season.
Ted Danson framing a picture of himself waiting in line to get his picture taken
Ted Danson finding his future bride by Googling "Ted Danson + future bride"
Ted Danson, tired of squinting, manually setting the sun with a complex system of levers and pulleys
Ted Danson performing world-class, life-saving heart transplants in exchange for Cedarpointopoly signed by Dan Keller
Ted Danson steering a frigate into Flo's Tuesday night bowling league
Ted Danson spreading hayfever as a ploy to bring down the Goodyear blimp
Ted Danson becoming a vampire in hope of sparking a Genesis reunion
Ted Danson suing the pants off a topless milf, to get her completely naked
Ted Danson rolling down off the top bunk to get his industrial size cottage cheese container out of his fridge, then getting back up and eating the whole thing
Ted Danson pleading with a hooker to honor his Buckeye Card and give him 10% off her regular rate
Ted Danson pondering the gap between mitosis and meiosis, while suspended rather serenely above the Sears Tower in a large, ethereal crystal sphere
Ted Danson dedicating the rest of his life to reading Life magazine, playing Life the board game, and eating Life cereal
Ted Danson dreaming of being a writer one day; specifically, hoping to model his writing style after Joseph Rothschild
Horatio's frenzied tidings, the ultimate in God-ketchup face
Chub Kowalczyk, giving Wanda cheap feels in the back of a Penske rental van
Ted Danson forgoing a piece of ass in favor of a private screening of Air Bud: World Pup
Ted Danson granting a keynote speaker's deathwish while accurately whistling a Bach fugue
Ted Danson buttfucking Judith Light with a strap-on oboe
Ted Danson saving America from the financial ruin sure to come when Baby Boomers become eligible for Social Security in a few years, by fileting a snowman
Ted Danson filming the reunion of Dick Tracy with Saddam Hussein's soul while Brent Lare returns to the casting office at 1 am to look for his shoe
Danson is now live
It is official, from the man himself, DansonLive is now online. What does that mean to you? Well, for starters, years of illogical truths and ridiculous behavior come to the forefront. Furthermore a consoldiated median of all of our works now can be enjoyed by all. This will be updated based on new writings and by demand (huh?). The Simian is signing off.
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